I’ve criticized video game companies a lot in my articles. I’ve written about their poor decisions in creating 3D games. I’ve called out publishers on their childish habits of crying do-over with every long-running series. I’ve even talked about the pointlessness of system start-up screens. (And, of course, I didn’t miss the chance to throw mud at Microsoft over their Red Ring of Death.) But if you think I’m even close to done with writing about my gripes with these self-proclaimed video game gurus, you’re quite mistaken, my fellow Flushers. With the recent release of Diablo III and last year’s Duke Nukem Forever, I thought it would be a good time to tackle the worst offender in the video game world: the always subject-to-change video game release dates.
Weather men are more accurate with their predictions than these release dates are. I mean, c’mon people. Is there some reason why you can’t just commit to the dates you’re telling us? Certainly you cannot be serious when you claim it’s to “make the game better” before its release?! The aforementioned Duke Nukem Forever is just one example of why that excuse doesn’t hold water, and need I remind anyone about Daikatana?
Never mind, every game you buy nowadays is chock full of bugs, glitches and a number of other incomplete or otherwise underdeveloped bits that companies need to patch the game within a week of its release. Honestly, with all these “make-games-better-delays” I really don’t see how you have an excuse to make me download a patch for a game that was originally supposed to be out in Winter 2006!
Daikatana. Legendary…for all the wrong reasons…
Sure, some of the games which are delayed turn out good or even great. Blizzard is famous for their release dates not meaning squat. Hell, it’s practically a punch line in itself, but they do put out a good product. Even Final Fantasy XII (for some of us) was well worth the wait, despite Yasumi Matsuno dropping out before the project was complete, and after years of delay-hell. (Final Fantasy Versus XIII is well on its way to being another offender, I might add–well that is, if they ever give the damn thing a release date.)
But, seriously, gentlemen (and ladies), the problem has gotten out of control. It’s not fair to the consumer that you’re giving us these dates and then saying, “You know, on second thought…” That’s like telling a child they can have an ice-cream when they get out of school, taking them for the ice-cream and then slapping it out of their hand before they can take a bite and saying, “Maybe next month, kiddo!” Are you crazy, you sick, child-abusing publishers?!
Now, given, I’ve asked for an extension on my own deadlines before. I’m sure most of us have. But if I had ever missed as many deadlines as the video game industry has missed release dates (Hell, just take one publisher) I’d be out of a job. There’s no way I could get away with it, and, honestly, there’s no reason you should either.
Final Fantasy XII. A wonderful game. And it’s a wonder it ever came out.
So you know what? I’m going to do what no one else is willing to do. I’m going to fire all of the video game developers and publishers, right here, right now. “What?” That’s right. You heard me. You’re Fired, [insert company name here]! The Donald style. You’ve missed your deadlines one too many times. Clean up your stuff and get out. We need more reliable employees in this office.
“Whoa! Whooooooaaaaaa! Wait a minute. Just wait a minute, Ninja,” you say, “have you lost your mind? Who’s going to make video games now that you’ve fired everyone?” Well, as always, I have to explain my brilliance to you slow thinkers. Game-Flush will make your games! Yes, that’s right. Game-Flush will now be the sole, reliable publisher of all video games.
“What’s the first one?” you ask. Oh. Well, we’ll title it Super Fantasy Kombat X (That’s X not Ten) – Western Warfare: The Quest for Some Popular, Soon-to-Announce-His-Retirement, Professional Sports Athlete. Sounds like gold, doesn’t it? When will it be out? Fourth quarter 2016. Of course, that’s always subject to change, as is the title, because we all know publishers can’t stick to those either.