History has had many dark moments. Indescribable horrors and atrocities have been committed over the course of human history. The Hidenburg Disaster, the sinking of the Titanic, the Holocasut, the list goes on. Well my friends, the gaming world too has its share of sad and tragic moments. I’m not talking about moments meant to make you sad, like the death of Aeris in Final Fantasy VII. No, No. I’m talking about things that make you stop, pause, and say, “How could they F&!% this up!?” Moments that make you think gaming is ruined forever. Moments that will live infamously as gaming lows. I’ll share with you just one glaring atrocity on gaming history here today, and is it ever a doozy.
There was a time when gaming had a lot more players vying for a piece of the action. One of these players was the company Philips, who had the good judgment to collaborate with gaming super power, Nintendo. The two companies were working together to create a CD based system which was meant to be an enhancement to the SNES. You may recall Sega trying a similar gimmick with the Sega CD to extend the life of the Genesis. Yea we’re not even going to go there. Been there, done that. Anyway, this partnership was short lived, but ultimately left Philips with the contractual right to use Nintendo characters in their games. With a new CD based system and access to all of Nintendo’s beloved characters, Philips proceeded to open a dark, albeit brief, page in gaming history.
Philips wasted little time in bastardizing Nintendo’s biggest mascots into things I loosely refer to as “games.” The Philips CD-i had the gimmick of having very primitive movie clips in-game with voice overs. So naturally, these games were stuffed with these cute little cut scenes. You’d think this would enhance the gaming experience and add depth to the story and characters. Of course, we could always have piss poor pathetic voice acting with wacky ass MS paint caliber art work. Throw this on top of forgettable game play and replay, and we have your standard CD-i game. With that being said, let’s take a look at Philips’ rendition of one of gaming’s top heroes, Link.
I’d love to tell you that they just made one Zelda game and called it quits. No, they felt that Link needed to be sodomized not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. Seriously, I can’t think of anything as atrociously bad as taking a great hero with an already established story and burying him into the ground without a second thought. I still don’t know how Link recovered from this mess. All i can think of is that not enough people had this crappy system to even play these games, thus sparing Link wide spread humiliation. These games are absolute rectal blockage. It would have been more humane to drag this poor guy in the mud, but instead he got a slip and slide ride through pig vomit and rhino droppings. Just look at Ganon up there! He looks like he’s… he looks like he’s.. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE!!!
The Faces of Evil and The Wand of Gamelon are disgraces to the Zelda franchise. The third game I don’t know much about, but after the first two, who the hell even could stomach another one? All the characters suck. Link is a complete pansy, even worse than his animated TV show counterpart. “Excuse me princess!” would have sounded a thousand times more manly than anything Link spewed out in these games. Every character is campy and stupid, poorly animated, and a headache to listen to. How in the world did anyone think that fans of the series would enjoy these pieces of Dodongo dung? Well, not surprisingly, they didn’t, at least the few who owned CD-i’s to play these abominations. There’s a reason you don’t see Philips in the gaming business anymore.
So let’s recap. Philips was handed great game characters with an already built in fan base to do as they saw fit with, and this is what we got. Abysmal. Sadly, Link was not the only victim of these games. Yes, Mario too felt the sting of the CD-i’s venomous tail. But that’s another story for another time. That one deserves its own page in the history books. In the end, the CD-i was sent back to the infernal pit of evil from which it crawled out of, never to rise again and cause terror and chaos on the gaming world. With that said, I have concluded this edition of dark moments in gaming history. And if you think I’m exaggerating the magnitude of these awful games, take a look for yourself.