Spawn: The Eternal – Review

Developer: Sony Computer Entertainment
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment, Hudson Soft (Japan)
Systems: Playstation
Release Year: 1997

I’m not going to beat around the bush this time. I did this all for you, Game-Flush fans. It was back when the PSN was down. I finally played through Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (twice), and there was nothing else to play. So I thought I’d play and review a game I remembered being terrible. Thing is, often when I do this, the game still gets a decent score because it turns out to be not half as bad as I remembered it. But not so with Spawn: The Eternal. No, for the first time this game was so much worse.

This is, without a doubt, the worst game I have ever played. Sure I have a personal vendetta with Final Fantasy VIII, but truly nothing can be as shitty as Spawn: The Eternal. I mean, where do I begin? From the awful visuals (a prime example of just how much 3D used to suck) to game play as cooperative as pushing a truck uphill with the parking break on, Spawn: The Eternal is an abysmal experience.

     For starters are the controls. Typically the main purpose of a game is to play it, yet Spawn: The Eternal goes against the grain here. The game is completely broken, and not in a Marvel vs Capcom 2 way. Spawn: The Eternal is an action game, but the controls are more like the old Resident Evils. Didn’t Sony know Capcom set up the controls like that to induce panic in the player whilst being chased down by zombie-hounds and the intimidating Nemesis? What purpose was there in adapting those same controls to an action-adventure game? It’s almost as if they said, “Hey. You know what’s popular these days? Resident Evil! Yeah, let’s steal those controls.” What the Hell were they thinking?

What’s more, the camera is basically shoved right up Spawn’s ass. Add the obnoxiously narrow hallways and bits of platforming and you wind up with a game that is absolute torture to play. Half the time you literally lose Spawn on the screen, or the camera is so close you can’t see anything else but his symbiote-butt. Never mind, even when the camera is zoomed out, you can’t see anything below you. This can pose a real problem, especially when trying to jump from moving platform to moving platform or over a lava pit. You have to switch to first person view just to see where you’re jumping to, and even then you still have a sixty-percent chance of missing.

Battling enemies is equally frustrating. To their credit, Sony did have the cool idea of changing the screen during combat to something more like a fighting game. But again the controls are so piss-poor, rather than handling like a watered down Street Fighter, the idea seems to be to throw as many attacks as you can and hope the opponent doesn’t hit back. It’s like some bizarre version of punch-for-punch.

As for the visuals, they look like a child finger-painted them with his own vomit, and that’s an overstatement as puke might have some interesting textures and colours. Then there’s the soundtrack. Essentially there is none but a few sound effects and two or three songs that play during battle mode only. Otherwise the game is completely silent. Well, except for during the horrendous cut-scenes between levels where the Malebolgia (Spawn’s nemesis) is saying something into the camera. Though damned if I can figure out what he’s saying because he sounds like The Shockmaster (of WCW fame) with a muzzle over his mouth.

My favourite part of the game, however, is the instruction manual. I’m serious. It’s a riot. Like all over-hyped comics of the 1990s, it has a chrome cover, but the real treasures are housed within. I’ve never quoted a manual on Game-Flush, but this has to be done. I must share this with the world, for all those who don’t have this manual to look at for themselves. Take the description of The Outback in Savage Spawn’s levels:

Enter the ancient and savage realm. Welcome to a paradise with heavenly waterfalls, ancient cave paintings and homicidal hell-beasts of Neanderthal persuasion. Having a bad hair day? Blue and gold break the stonewall resistance.

What the fuck does that mean? Is it even English?

Or my personal favourite, the description of…The Sewers:

This could be a draining experience for the un-paranoid. You’ll meet the same class of lowlife you did on the surface. From the depths of the sewers you must work your way up to the surface, meanwhile man-handling a big slob who wants to tear your head off. You are not headed up town.

With elements like this, how could a game be much worse? And what was going through Todd MacFarlane’s head when he saw this? I know he wants to make any dime he can by just tagging the Spawn logo on a product (and I’d be doing the same with my creations), but doesn’t he want the product to at least be decent? And this game is by Sony. Sony! The company that brought us the God of War series. Well they certainly have come a long way.

I’ll reiterate. I have never played a game this bad. The game is hard as Hell and I don’t mean in a challenging Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls sort of way. It’s difficult because the controls are so broken and the graphics are so bad, they actually hinder your ability to play this piece of shit. Hell isn’t coming back to life as beef-jerky and watching your best friend have sex with your wife. It’s playing Spawn: The Eternal!

Game Play: 0/5
Story: 1/5
Visuals: 1/5
Sound: 1/5
Replay Value: 0/5

Overall: 3/25 – Roter-Rooter (Awful)

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