Every gamer has that series or game that he or she never played or could not finish in a genre they love. The game could be a classic, a must-play, an essential. Their gamer friends laugh and demand they play the game because of it’s undeniable awesomeness. For this thumb callused veteran, it is the Lunar series.
As a fanatic, I’ve played RPGs of all types: the old (Final Fantasy), the new (Dragon Age: Origins), the ugly (Unlimited Saga), the lesser known (Albert’s Odyssey) and the in-between (whatever would go in-between, put here). However, Lunar escapes my long list RPGs of all shapes (cartiage, CD, mini-CD, etc) and sizes (1 disc, 2 discs, 3 discs, etc). Why? Enter Ramus.
After the scene concluded, I said, out loud mind you, “Done!” I proceeded to turn off the game, put it in its proper packaging and never looked back. In my mind, when I saw his face on my television, I decided to smash the TV on floor (it was already tainted) and burn my PSX with the game inside (there was simply no reason to let that vile, obese gremlin do harm to anyone else’s eyes). After that, I buried the ashes in the middle of a lake with a small island in the center. With it, I buried garlic, silver bullets that would explode like landmines if they were touched, a cross, and Chuck Norris’s toe nail clippings. I made sure to circle it with salt. I have no idea what kind of evil Ramus is so I made sure to cover all the bases (Thanks Chuck Norris for the help).
I caught my brother playing it a few years back and fiddled with it only to find out his hilarious battle skills (detailed below) but I can’t play it. Ramus has scarred me worse than any woman ever could. I’m sure the games are fan-friggin-tastic, but like a stubborn mule, I won’t budge on playing it. It is almost based on principle (I’m ready for your hateful comments, don’t worry). But I digress. Let’s get back to the fat kid that isn’t as cool as Chunk from The Goonies.
Ramus Fairman of Burg. Aged 17. Human. Son of a village Elder. Good friend to Alex. Voice actor? A woman (you poor soul you). About 5’3″, 600 pounds. He has poor eye-sight and worse eating habits.
To make it worse, this reject from the Boy Scouts is absolute garbage in battle and is about as adequate as having Mohammad Ali as your eye surgeon (oh, those sturdy hands he has these days). The real kicker is that after level 12, he does not gain any stats for the rest of his levels. But ho, we are not done here! The only stat that does increase between level 2-11 is his health. No attack, defense, wisdom, magic endurance…nothing. Oh wait, at level 12 Ramus gets one more range point. Seriously? If you are going to make a fat, useless character even more worthless when you have to use him, you’re insane. I am well aware of Ramus’s intended use for the game, but maxing out his stats at level 12? Looks like the developers were well aware of Ramus’s value in the game.
Did anyone really need Jiggly Puff around? Couldn’t you just kill him off? Have him choke on a chicken leg or fall into a hole and be too heavy to list out? You could even give him a sad, classic RPG death song. I could listen to it every time I was feeling down…to be cheered up, of course.
Damn you Ramus! If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be enjoying a 2nd, or even 3rd, play-through of Lunar right now. You’re a foul beast Ramus Fairman, and you shall never taint any of my consoles!
P.S. I promise, my next Character of the Month will not be a fat person. We at Game-Flush do not hate fat people. We love you jolly folk!