So I’m going to make a confession to you all. I sold my soul to the Devil. Yes, it’s true. It’s true. And I did it for cheep, bloody thrills. That’s right, readers, I finally caved and gave Mortal Kombat a chance, and, yes, I—hiss—liked it. What’s more, because (until recently) I couldn’t bring myself to give money to the true enemy of Guile and Ryu, I played this sub-par, ode to senseless violence with the Orange Testament and others on his…Ecks-Bocks! I know, I know. I’ve disappointed you all. And if you could only know how sorry I am for it. Lord knows I’ve washed myself more times than Ace Ventura after he kissed Louis Einhorn so that I could get the sin off me. But in playing the game I will say this: it gave me a fantastic idea for a Character of the Month. There were a couple of hotties I wanted to write about this month, but only one caught my eye. And, ladies, I do apologize for any sexism in this article.
Did I say hottie? That’s the thing about Mileena: she kind of is…almost. Perhaps it was Ed Boon’s and John Tobias’s way of challenging our ideas of sexuality. Perhaps they’re just into some weird shit. Perhaps they watched Dario Agento’s Masters of Horror episode, Jenifer, one too many times. Whatever the case, Mileena is the prime example of the girl you want to go to bed with as long as she’s got a paper bag over her head.
I think it must honestly have been the most shocking moment in Mortal Kombat II. It wasn’t Dan Forden popping up on the screen randomly to yell ‘Toasty!’ (or ‘Whoopsie,’ as some of us couldn’t quite hear what he was saying, back then). It was when that sexy, purple wearing Ninja (did I mention I love Ninja Girls? Jade especially) took off her mask to reveal a face only a mother could love (although mothers who birth that should probably eat their young). I’m sure we were all thinking close to the same thing at that moment. First it was: what the f#$k?! Then: man, and I thought she was the hotter of the two sisters. Well she was, until she stole Baraka’s face.
Mileena: ‘Perhaps a nose-job would make me more attractive…’
It’s almost as if Ed Boon knew we were all thinking this, because by this incarnation of Mortal Kombat (I skipped numbers four through eight, for the record) Mileena is the most sexual character in the game. I didn’t say sexiest (I just can’t get past that mug of hers, I don’t care if beauty is skin deep), I said most sexual. I mean, she practically feels herself up after every match, she moves like a seductive belly-dancer, and have you seen her Flesh Pit outfit? The only one possibly wearing less than her is Sheeva. (Again with these odd choices for sexual characters. Maybe they really are into exotic women over at NetherRealm Studios.)
Even Kitana can’t resist the Flesh Pit costume…if it only wasn’t for that kisser.
Now, given, I’ve got a thing for exotic women myself (did I mention Jade’s my favorite?), but I think Mileena is just a little too hardcore even for me. Sure she’s got the body of a pornstar and the sexual energy of one to boot (I can only speculate), but I just can’t get over that glaring observation I recently made. Just like that girl who looks a little too much like her father…
…Mileena looks like the trolls from Troll 2.