Secret of Evermore – Review
Genre: RPG (Role-Playing Game)
Developer: Square USA (Square-Enix)
Publisher: Squaresoft
System: SNES
Release Year: 1996
Picture this scenario: You are the younger brother of one of the all time greatest quarterbacks in football history. Your bro is the epitome of charisma, the king of clutch, and regarded by all as a legend among men. Naturally, you have some enormous shoes to fill, and people are already ready to crown you as the second coming of your older brother. Problem is, you have the arm of a twelve year old girl and the only thing you have in common with your brother is the same last name. That being said, poor old Secret of Evermore probably never stood a chance of being a massive success. However, in no way can that exonerate it from being one of the most piss poor games ever conceived.
Christmas time brings back fond memories. Tinsel, hickory smoked ham, sparkly presents wrapped with care placed under the tree… However, there is a dark side to these jolly Yule-tide festivities… The dreaded “present that should have been awesome but totally sucked and ruins Christmas” gift. Oh no… it wasn’t supposed to happen that way, but the cruel hand of fate (and incompetent writing and storyline) snatches all the joy that was built up in anticipation and flushes it down the proverbial toilet.
So there I was, young and bushy tailed, knowing for sure I would soon be playing Secret of Evermore, a game with the same type of title as Secret of Mana, a game I spent countless hours running through forwards and backwards until it was mastered to completion. So under the tree I find a familiarly shaped box, a nice rectangular shaped box. Ripping through the wrapping paper with vicious intent, I was to uncover Secret of Evermore! Joy overcame me as I dashed up the stairs to enjoy Secret of Mana’s only known successor (at least to my knowledge at the time).
Quickly I jammed the cartridge into the SNES, hastily pushed the power button forward, and that all too familiar Squaresoft logo appeared… This was going to be awesome! Then… I was welcomed to a dumb looking hero with hair that moves like jelly when he walks…. Scratches his armpits quickly when he falls…Evil twin robots… Picking up twigs and berries to cast garbage spells… Striking my enemies down with an all powerful dog bone…. REALLY???
Do I even have to make fun of this?
The let down was epic. I was on top of the highest mountain…only to be pushed off onto the jagged rocks below… This was surely Secret of Mana’s drug addicted, failure of a brother. This felt nothing like the magic of Mana… Aside from the game play, which wasn’t even as smooth as Mana’s, there is nothing remotely interesting here… No lush wide world to explore, no interesting characters or plot here folks! Just a dumb kid, a morphing dog, evil twin robots, and it all culminates to the final battle with none other than… THE BUTLER! Yes! That damn butler was the mastermind behind this whole atrocity of a game! Ugh… I digress…
Other notable issues with this awful game include rummaging through bushes and refuge for roots and water to cast unimpressive “alchemy” magic spells… And if you can’t find this crap lying on the ground, well prepare to pay a butt-load of money for them. Speaking of money, you will love the fact that as you explore the different worlds, each time you advance to another toilet-clogger of a territory, prepare to convert your currencies and lose half of your money to convert it to the new currency of the land. Wow, I am so glad I won 5000 talons for winning that annoying boss battle just to flush half of it down the drain mere moments later…
And down the drain he goes… Ended.
Also, another butchered feature of the battle system lies in the weapon system. In Mana, you would build proficiency with a weapon type (swords, spears, axes). As you increase your weapon level, you are able to perform special techniques by charging up the weapon for a moment. The higher the level, the longer the charge time. In this way the player can master their weapon of choice. Evermore takes a different approach, or as I like to call it the stupid approach. As you level up a weapon, you can unleash a special attack with it. However, each time you upgrade your weapon, such as getting the Iron Spear which replaces the Crap Spear, you suddenly lose all proficiency with the spear class! That’s right! No special moves anymore!
Unless you want to fight enough enemies to regain the lost levels, you have to stick with the outdated weapon to use the superior special maneuver. Garbage! Why bother? Did I mention when you take a hit from a mosquito you fly back a yard? Yup. The annoyance of walking through a jungle full of these buggers and getting knocked around by a pinball by creatures the size of an eyelash? Priceless.
I love it when they do my work for me.
The final insult? The awful dialog. Mana didn’t have compelling dialog or anything, but it was acceptable and entertaining, and I wasn’t expecting beautiful prose from Evermore either. Half of the hero’s dialog consists of referencing awful ‘B’ movies. As seen in a few choice screen shots, this is as compelling as the story gets. The whole premise of the game is to escape the crappy world he becomes trapped in. Personally, I was fine with ditching this loser and letting him rot. I spent Christmas afternoon hoping the game would give me a glimmer of hope. Come dinner time I was done, trying to enjoy a nice dinner to help take the taste of disgust out of my mouth.
Some compelling dialog…
Story: 1/5
Graphics: 3/5
Game Play: 2/5
Sound: 1/5
Replay Value: 1/5
Total Score: 8/25: Clogger (Bad–Stay away from this title)
Secret of Evermore cover art and screen shots are a ™ trademark and/or © copyright of Nintendo, Squaresoft/Square Enix and related parties.
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There are 14 Comments to "Secret of Evermore – Review"
Man this game sounds terrible. What a precise, funny, and passionate review. I’ll never play this piece of trash game.
I could not help but think that you were comparing this awful game to Eli Manning. If I may interject, I would say it sounds more like Michael Vick’s lil’ bro, Marcus. While Michael was an All-Pro who went to jail for an elaborate dog fighting ring that received years of national exposure, Marcus was an underwhelming rookie who was released in preseason, with his call to fame being that one time in college when he stomped on some one’s chest in a game. Sounds to me like Evermore and Marcus are both cheap copies of the original that, in fact turn out nothing like them. At least Eli won a Super Bowl…
haha, wow.. I remember renting this game when I was a kid, and I thought the same things.. I never made it to the Butler though, because after about 20 minutes of using the dog bone, I put the controller down, and said to my mom “Can we go back to the video store? I need to return this game and get something else..” I’ll never forget that. lol
Woooow, I’m extremely glad I missed this pile o’ poo! This sounds like absolute trash! Oh, and for the record, I don’t even watch the fooozeball and thought of the Eli/Peyton comparison also!
I don’t know, I found it to be a bit better than some of the other SNES titles I’ve played. Although the bland humor and less-than-outstanding hero don’t make for much of an epic, I think the title is worth picking up at least once for a playthrough.
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
Glad you like it. We have plenty more craptacular games to gripe about. And yes Infinity_Plus, there are far worse games… consider this a warm-up
This game was awesome I wish theyd put it downloadable on the wii or make it for the ds. Memories
You’re trashing Secret of Evermore, but apparently loved Secret of Mana? >.> SoM was boring as shit, I couldn’t play it. Obviously you have a very low sense of humour to not find the jokes funny, and I do beleive that in SoM, you fight little pink blobs.. And wear a turban instead of lots of hair gel. And no, a little bit of water and ash cannot make acid rain. Unless of course you are in another dimension or something.. Oh wait..! You are! SoE was one of the best games ever made, I wish they’d make a new release of it for the Wii.
I just love how every mindless moron says they won’t ever play this ‘piece of trash game’, without actually trying it to know that it’s crappy and not just said so by a critic wanna-be.
Thankfully my adoring fans take stock in my insightful reviews. Honestly though, it’s a matter of taste. Some people like a fine wine, a tender filet mignon, and some like the taste of poop covered nachos. I think it’s safe to say where your tastes fall. But we are all about crap here at Game-Flush, so if you have a craving for crappy games and you happen to enjoy the taste, we gladly welcome you. One final note: SoM rules.
I concur. Evermore sucked.. a lot.
Wow Sheol you are such a cry baby. Clear as day this was a mock article
and if most people say something is awful, why would you buy it to see if they are right? maybe mommy and daddy buy you everything
the game is okay at best but it was lackluster 4 sho…
I loved this game but never got to finished it.. you gotta be patient and intuitive to play this game.. my kind of game